Those who know me have seen me go from meat-eater to vegetarian, to pescatarian to vegan, to meat-eater again. They know I jump from being pro-gym to IDGAF within six months. They also know I delete my Instagram account every few months. I chop and change my mind about things as often as I change my underwear. Ok, not quite that often but I do change my mind on my lifestyle quite a bit. And I’m starting to think I am going through an existential crisis.
Some roll their eyes and say “I told you so”. I’m sure others sit and think “well that didn’t last.” They have every right to do so. It must be annoying not knowing what I am going to be eating when I go to a restaurant… Although, it makes no difference to them whatsoever. But what I don’t think many people realise is that since becoming a parent, I have developed an existential crisis.
I would like to point out that I am by no means comparing myself to other mummies out there. We are all going through our own struggles and my journey is by no means any better or worse than others. Don’t think I am complaining, I am very lucky to be a mum but it can be HARD. All parents have the right to find parenting tricky, it doesn’t mean we don’t deserve the right to be parents. Moving on…
Ava has given my life more meaning and purpose than I ever thought possible. However, on a personal level, I feel as if I have lost who I am as an individual. Trying to remember that I am more than just a Mum can be difficult at times.
As someone who has worked since she was fourteen; who discovered a love of travelling when she was nineteen and adored living without the worry of major responsibility; having a child really threw a spanner in the works. I mean, we planned to have kids. Or should I say a kid? But it definitely changed me more than I ever thought it would.
I adore being a mum more than ANYTHING in the world nevertheless sometimes I need to feel as if I can do more things for me. And as each day, week and month are different with a little developing human being, I have found that I must change too.
On top of having to keep up with the constant alterations to my baby’s (not so much a baby anymore) development, I also have a mental illness. Depression and anxiety are hard to manage with children. You can’t just lay in bed when you are having an “episode” anymore. You’re required to leave the house for toddler groups and do bath time. You must change nappies when you don’t feel like moving from the couch. You need to sing songs and play when you just feel like crying. Long gone are the days of not worrying about having nothing in the fridge to eat. You have to provide and manage juggling your mental health with the wellbeing of your bubba.
I feel as if I do a damn good job in doing so even if it doesn’t always seem that way.
One of the most frustrating things is once you’ve got the routine down, BAM, four teeth are cutting through. Those poor tiny gums! Perhaps viral infection comes to ruin the full nights’ sleep. The meals you have prepped, wasted. All that planning, all those routines ruined for the next few weeks.
This weighs heavy on me at times. I know a lot of other parents go through this too. Luckily, I don’t have to send Ava to
I try new things to help me work out what can fit in with this ever-changing world I am now in. I have to put my mental health alongside my daughter’s wellbeing because I am no good to her if I am unhappy. So for those who do roll their eyes or are sick of my Facebook/Instagram updates announcing my new found veganism or whatever I am doing at the time, just remember I am doing it because it is helping me at that moment in time Whatever it is I am doing, it’s currently helping me manage my mood and life as a mother. Try not to be so quick to judge they may be going through an existential crisis too.